Rishi Sunak comes across as Mr Clean, but I’ve got his number
Despite all the carnage, leaks and resignation letters currently oozing out of No 10, Rishi Sunak somehow remains clean. Not popular exactly – not even that nice, given the soaring energy bills to come in the spring. Yet he’s still starchily authoritative, like a pharmacist.
In the last two years, I’ve hoarded my Rishi rations (the pandemic self-employment grants the government gave qualifying freelancers) and pondered his lean, debt-assassin appeal. Every time I see him on TV I say out loud: “Rishi! You’re such a good boy! Yes – a GOOD BOY!” I convince myself he doesn’t want to be PM. I think he wants to be chancellor for ever. He literally just wants to do maths homework, all day, every day.
He married a billionaire because she’s into maths too – like, numbers with lots of zeros at the end – and maths is the glue that holds a relationship together. He will never cheat on you or, if he does, it’ll be with a very hi-tech calculator. No, what am I talking about? Rishi can do complex arithmetic in his head. At the risk of leaning into racial stereotypes, he is literally every boy I was at school with: clever, clean-cut, ambitious, on-message, well brought up, serious and nice.
He also reminds me of every global one-percenter who ever messaged my rich, clever, petite, exotic, beautiful alpha friend Maya on Hinge: “Hi, I work in global cyber security, just spent three weeks talking corporate responsibility at a retreat in Mexico, really great conversations, looking good Maya, love the photos, let’s connect and find some synergy.”
There’s been a huge rise in online agony aunts and advice columns during the pandemic, with the ace novelist Marian Keyes launching a new one this month with Tara Flynn called Now You’re Asking via
Read more on theguardian.com
