Home Auto I Maimed My Friends to Discover the Truth Hiding in the Back of the Subaru BRZ

I Maimed My Friends to Discover the Truth Hiding in the Back of the Subaru BRZ


Going clockwise starting at the passenger seat, we’ve got Brian (6'0"), Nitant (6'1") and Patrick (5'8").

Going clockwise starting at the passenger seat, we’ve got Brian (6’0″), Nitant (6’1″) and Patrick (5’8″).
Photo: Andy Kalmowitz

Before we get into this, let’s get one thing out of the way. We all know the back seats of the Subaru BRZ are comically small. They were created in a world for people without legs and a head and meant mostly to be a place to throw used Juul pods. I know this. You know this. However, there are three people who didn’t know this until yesterday.

Meet Patrick, Nitant and Brian. They are three full-sized adult men who also happen to be my friends. One thing is very important to know about them: they know nothing about cars. In fact, only one of them has his driver’s license, and he got it about a month ago.

So, you can imagine their surprise when I pulled up in the BRZ that I am testing and told them to get in. At first they didn’t believe me that it was a four seater, but no matter. They got in. That was the easy part. What followed got much, much worse.

You see, three out of four of us are over six feet tall. Only poor Pat is under that number, coming in at 5’8”. We’re large lads. That’s just the way it is. Like I said, getting in was easy enough. But when we had to push the seats back in order to sit in the front, there was an issue. We couldn’t all fit… which led to some positions that are only suitable for the Kama Sutra for Pat and Nitant (the backseat passengers) to take. Whatever, we’re in, and the door is closed.

Everyone always talks about how ridiculously small the back seats of this car are, but no one really goes the distance in testing it out. I love my friends, but not enough to keep them from feeling pain.

About two minutes into our drive, with Patrick’s knee somewhere near my left ear, he reports that his entire leg has completely fallen asleep. Nitant, at the same time, says that his neck is beginning to hurt because his noggin is pressed up against the rear glass. Not too long after that, Brian also begins to complain about how his foot is growing a bit numb due to the fact it’s jammed up against the firewall in the passenger’s footwell. But regardless, we must press on.

This is a knockoff 7/11. Awesome.

This is a knockoff 7/11. Awesome.
Photo: Andy Kalmowitz

At this point you’re probably wondering where we were going that made all of this worth it. Well, wonder no more. We were going to an Outback Steakhouse. None of us had been to one in over a decade, so we figured now was as good a time as ever to check out what it’s all about. Spoiler alert: I got ferocious heartburn.

Anyway, back to the car. And again, we all know the back seats are cramped.

The boys’ limbs had finally gone completely numb when we pulled into the Edgewater, New Jersey parking lot where our ode to Australian meats awaited us. This is where things got fun.

I, because I am the driver and also the main character, had my seat nearly in my normal driving position the whole time, so I was more or less fine. But, when the fellas got out of the car — which was an incredibly slow process — their true battle wounds began to show. All three of them walked through the parking lot with pronounced limps, shaking their legs and arms in an attempt to regain any sort of meaningful blood circulation.

We went inside, enjoyed our 5/10 meals (they were out of potatoes for some reason) and then came to the realization that we would have to do that trip once again.

Too bad for them.

You see, this is what we do here at Jalopnik. Everyone else will tell you the back seats of the Subaru BRZ are small, but only we can tell you with complete certainty that the back seats of a Subaru BRZ are so small that your friends will all develop limps and be forced to eat Bloomin’ Onions.

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